programmed to breed

Good news first; we got a Wii. My girlfriend rang me from work mid-day to tell me that she’d got a Wii plus four or so games from eBay; at a price of course.

Everywhere around the UK is completely sold out and since we obviously have no patience, I think it was a good buy. Although Victoria got her yearly bonus, which funded our impulsive buy, its not like we are rolling in money. Quite the opposite… which leads me to the bad news: The “dole” office and their “Jobseekers allowance”,ie: the arsehole of bureaucracy.

I’ve never claimed before.. well actually that’s a lie, I’ve tried un-successfully to claim before, back in October when I couldn’t afford to buy a pack of smokes, never mind pay off my huge student debt and pay my rent. The dole office completely fucked it up however. They messed my claim up, messed my appointment up and got me so angry that I eventually gave up trying – or you could say – I decided to save myself all the emotional turmoil and therefore rescued myself from an impending nervous breakdown.

Hah – okay, slight exaggeration perhaps. Still, these people are idiots.

This time around I decided to fill the endlessly monotonous forms in online, therefore sparing myself the ordeal of having to have an actual conversation with a person/android from their office… right? Wrong. I got a call back yesterday from a very slow talking welsh woman who sounded almost as bored with the words coming out of her mouth as I was. ‘What does your girlfriend earn a year?’, ‘What’s her phone number?’ and ‘What’s her National Insurance number?’. Now I’m sorry, but what has my partners details got to do with anything? We live together sure, but we’re not in a civil partnership and heh, it really shouldn’t be her responsibility to support me financially – even if she’d like too. Anyway, whatever, I give her the information and can’t believe my luck when she tells me that there’s an interview slot available the next morning. Last time I had to wait over a month, only to find out that they hadn’t booked me in correctly. Are they brain-dead? Quite possibly.

I sit across from her small mediocre table and answer her questions the best I can. I sign a Jobseekers form that states that I will actively look for work and that I won’t turn down any reasonable job offer. (I don’t think weed dealer would count). She smiles insincerely, I shake her hand insincerely, and I get the hell out of there. I wander to the nearest park that isn’t crawling with businessmen out on their lunch break and roll a big fat spliff, revelling in the jobs centres achievement, in that they didn’t fuck it up this time. My thoughts are clouded by my mobile ringing, “fuck the pain away, fuck the pain away” it sings. I answer. It’s the job centre informing me that they accidentally forgot to get me to sign some (pointless) form. I sigh as I take a long drag from my ‘special cigarette’. Then they inform me that I will have to come back in to sign it, but that I will need to wait for a call from ‘Z’ soul-destroyer to arrange another interview. Oh-my-God.

Fuck the jobcentre – I’m getting my Wii tomorrow. *smirk*.

Got back from a week in Ireland with my family late on Friday night; I’m still recovering despite an extremely lazy weekend with the mrs – catching up on all the Lost, L Word, 24, Dirt and Greys Anatomy episodes that we missed while I was away. It’s a sad existence when you have to live life by watching others fake it. Still; Bette is hot and if Locke hadn’t blown up the losties only chance of escape from the Island – the submarine, we may well have had a happy ending and I’m a sucker for them. Of course by that I mean that we would finally have an ending, a solution, and we could all stop watching this stupid frigging program that poses more un-answerable questions every single episode. Oh well, its something to do, something to casually occupy my little mind for a while…we also tried desperately to get a Nintendo Wii today. Stop laughing you smug bastards! Yes, yes you already own one and have also been informed that they are out of stock all over the UK. Bollocks to you all! I also discovered mid-flight (yes I had left my mobile on) that I had left my Sims 2 disk at home and now won’t have it in time for the arrival of my amazon order – Sims 2 Open for Business. Life imitates art? Rubbish! They obviously hadn’t played Sims 2.

Anyway, my stay at home was great, if a little short. Spent a couple of days with my best friend and her mrs in Belfast, drinking corona, smoking her outta house and home, playing poker and watching the “ginger” episode of South Park (if you’ve seen the new season, you’ll know which one I mean). Needless to say I was extremely high and consequently passed out on the sofa, in front of the fire, half un-dressed.

Here’s to taking your mother out for mothers day, getting so high you forget where you are, getting off at the wrong train station and ending up in an area you really rather wish you hadn’t, late night poker, sleeping in your brothers bed as he kips on the sofa, naughty late night phone calls to the woman you love and to the family members who over-hear those conversations.

PS: The Tenacious D film is so bad, don’t bother seeing it.

You could vote.

Presidental elections are looming and while I may not be able to vote from over here in the U.K, I’m taking the responsibility that every person should – I”m doing my research. I’m asking questions and I’m taking an interest in these candidates; one of whom will be the leader of the worlds’ greatest super-power. [ I use the word "greatest" loosely]. From Clinton’s [thats Bill - not his Mrs] policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, to Bush’s call of the amendment that banned Gay marriage all together; America hasn’t had a very good run of gay supporters in the white house.

As I trolled the ‘net this morning, visiting all my favourite lesbian haunts, I was shocked to see dozens of strong lesbian and gay sites displaying banners of support for none other than, white wash – appeal to the masses – Hillary Clinton. Okay okay, credit where credit is due – the woman has balls. Her husband lied through his teeth during his presidency, smoked but didn’t inhale, sexed but didn’t sexualise and then got himself impeached. The woman has guts but surely the only reason she is putting herself through all of this is so she can get into power – hardly the most selfless objective.

Hillary Clinton; the woman who during husband’s presidency supported the Defence of Marriage Act, a law preventing the federal recognition of same – sex marriage. So you can see why I’m a little confused as to why so many gay guys and gals are flaunting their support for her all the shop. Of course now she’s realised that she also needs to appease the lesbian and gay community by showing some support for them, even if that is by simply supporting the union of two homosexual people. She walks the tight-rope of inclusion for inclusions sake, and prays to her bible perfect God that she will have done enough to prove to the public that she is very different than her shit-head husband. Surely there are better candidates? – Those that actually give a toss about gay or indeed, equal rights for all despite their sexual orientation..?

Well let’s see. We have Barack Obama, a young energetic liberal who sponsored legislation in Illinois that would ban discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Well that’s great and I commend him, but that law probably should have been passed years ago anyway. But yeah, decent guy who has a few good things to say about the health service and education but erm yeah then his says this -

“I’m a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.”And this; “Giving them a set of basic rights would allow them to experience their relationship and live their lives in a way that doesn’t cause discrimination”.

Oh fuck off – really?! Are you serious?

Heh they weren’t lying when they said that politics was ‘dog eat dog’ – Give the socially outcast dog a bone just so he will stop hounding you, jumping up on your clean trousers and mudding them all up. Give him a bone so he will get out of your face, thank you graciously for your fairness and go play with his tail. Basic rights? – oh you are too kind.

Honestly; it really doesn’t matter who you vote for. War is Peace. Peace is War. Liberal is Democrat – it’s all the same. Whoever wins the election, and I have a feeling that it will be Hillary; they will merely be a puppet to the world bankers and major corporations that control everything. In fact, instead of voting next year why not try out some of my alternative suggestions on what to do with your ballot paper.

1) Save a toilet roll to use. Cut your ballot paper accordingly. Use the roll and paper to create a ramp, lean it over a small bucket or empty can and heh presto – a rat trap – perfect for vermin. If it had a logo, it would read “Don’t vote it – catch it”. Nice.

2) Steal your entire families ballot papers, scrunching up a few and rolling the others like stands – thus creating excellent fake awards to give out because you really feel that ‘Blood Diamond’ should have won a ‘freakin award at the Oscars this year.

3) Make paper planes!

4) Draft a letter to your newly sworn in President explaining your dismay at them being voted in – even though you never bothered to vote.

Your suggestions are welcome. Good luck Hillary. *cough*.

The spacegirl with two mothers, the prince who shuns three beautiful princesses, falling in love with another man and the baby penguin with two dads – some of the new characters being introduced into children’s books at schools here in the U.K.

This is a good thing right? Gone are the days of the regimented old-fashioned stereotypical family of father, mother and 2.5 children – a family blueprint that in this day and age rarely fits anyone. A few years back we had the implementation of stories that served to tell the “other” story – the story of the “broken home”, the seperated parents and the step brothers and sisters. This of course, could only be viewed as a positive thing. It raised awareness and opened peoples’ eyes to the stigma attached to “alternative families”. It had made those kids who had felt different feel normal again, accepted, and had given children another ‘blueprint’ so that they may define their lifes. These new ‘gay’ stories seek to do exactly the same thing.

Children need to be free to define who they are, both as individuals and as part of a family unit. How can little Tom who lives with his two daddies define who he is as a person and understand his family unit when there are no stories for him. Isn’t his story worth telling? Doesn’t he deserve to feel as much a part of this society as the boy with the traditional family sitting next to him?!

Apparently not everyone thinks so. To some, little Tom’s story is nothing more than gay propaganda – liberal bullshit that is destroying the very foundation of the traditional family. Oh no !! Could it be true?! While we seek to tell every child’s story and hope that every kid grows up realising that he or she can do anything it wants, be anything it wants and still be accepted and loved regardless – while we do this – could we possibly be breaking down the fabric of the traditional family?! Oh please; your “fabric” was in tatters way before we got there.

Public opinion seems to fall into two distinct camps on this one. There are those who realise that these stories are being put in place in schools so that we can try rid our schools of discrimination. “For children brought up with gay family members this will be tremendously beneficial. There still exists a stigma against homosexuality in schools, and anything that can be done to redress this should be encouraged”. (‘The Sun’ Discussion board). There are also those whose comments only come from ignorance and fear, “It promotes abnormality. With the P.C brigade minority trying to dismantle national institutions such as mothers/fathers day they are now trying to impose their un-natural teaching on the majority -the majority needs to stand up for itself & say enough is enough, and raise its voice to be heard over the bleatings of these limp wristed liberal weirdo’s”. Bleat.

Some even go on to suggest that this “homosexual liberal nonsense” will make all our children gay and that there will be no-one left to carry on the blood-line and breed! Hah! Excuse me while I choke on my pasta in between fits of giggles. Geez. I’m not even going to bother aruging that one… except to say, ‘go home. you stupid’.

Every child deserves to have a “blueprint”. Every child deserves to fit in, to be heard, to be understood.

Every child deserves a story.

I don’t believe that for a second. You couldn’t even pull the ginger one from Girls Aloud.

I nearly ran over a tourist this morning on my way to work. Yet they still had the nerve to get me to wind down my window and ask me for directions!

Tattoos are for jailbirds and lesbians.

I don’t want to hear it and I don’t care how big you may think it is.

McDonalds – nutritionally invalid.

If you need to use the toliet then just go. Stop whinging. How does that bush over there look to you?

He should have known that mobiles with cameras on them aren’t allowed in the pool area. Pervert.

One for every night of the week is fine, but Sunday is the day of the football.

Don’t make me slap you in the name of grammar.

Whether you’re eavesdropping on the bus, happen to over-hear a conversation by accident or are simply standing too close to someone while in the queue, we all over-hear things we probably shouldn’t. Below are some of these; all over-heard out and about in the beautiful city of Edinburgh, Scotland.

You are a dangleberry on societies asshole.

‘Have a nice day now!’ – God, how patronising is that? I don’t even like stereotypes but Americans are wankers.

David Cameron? Don’t make me laugh.

You know whats gay, when your trying to find something and you realise you already have it.

T in the park is for pussies.

We really need to get a new hoover, that piece of crap just has no sucking action.

It’s amazing how quickly you can go off people.

Yeah whatever we’re not on Oprah now so you can stop clicking your fingers at me.

You know what you should do if that happens don’t you. You should kick him in his mangina.

Elton John is a self-righteous prick.

You know that guy Martin, he’s only fifteen and he caught his best friend in the shower with his mum. It’s not that even that it’s that bad, it’s just the principal of it being his best friend you know?.

You’ll have forgotten what trousers feel like by the time you get back home.

Note – This was a [sort of] review I did for Afterellen.com when season 1 of ‘Bad Girls’ was being released over in America in ‘05.  Also note; its not very good.

“Hard hitting, original and controversial. ‘Bad Girls’ depicts the personal trials and triumphs of prison inmates and officers alike… this is a drama where fear and brutality meet friendship and compassion, and where corrupt staff, treacherous inmates, drugs and violence all combine to test the mettle of those thrown together 24/7”- Official press release.

The UK’s prime-time prison drama, which first aired in the UK over six years ago, is finally going to be released on DVD for US viewers. ‘Bad Girls’ is a prison drama not for the faint-hearted, and, one that has the potential to be fraught with cliché and stereotypical representations of lesbians in UK prisons. It would not be an under-statement to say that ‘Bad Girls’ is indeed ‘Cult viewing’, drawing in at its peek, only 8.5 million viewers.

The show, has however, managed to portray some very real, and very interesting characters, as well as dealing with much over-looked issues of sexuality within a prison setting, relationships between prison officers/inmates, drugs, suicide, rape and- lets not forget what the show does best; prison officer corruption and abuse of power.

The first episode of season 1 plunges its viewers straight into life at ‘Larkhall prison’, allowing it’s characters; inmates and prison officers alike, to develop at a natural and realistic pace. It’s not surprising to learn that ‘Bad Girls’ has a very strong list of female characters who take centre stage, forcing the male characters of the show to remain in the sidelines.
Jim Fenner is the exception to this rule; the opportunistic “screw” (Prison officer) who seemly has nine lives as well as no conscience, is always involved in something he shouldn’t be, which makes for shocking but often funny viewing. From Shell Dockley, ‘Larkhalls’ resident psychotic lifer, to “the two Julies” whose adventures and plots are both hilarious and touching to watch; this is a show of real contrasting and complex characters.

Yes–‘Bad Girls’ is hard-hitting and controversial; you don’t need to look further than episode 2 (aptly named: Drug Wars) where inmate Nikki Wade is forced to squat over a mirror, completely naked, with the door wide open, by the DST (dedicated search team), to realize that this show isn’t afraid of portraying the harsh reality of prison life.

DST Officer – “Legs apart, squat down.”
Nikki – “God, it must drive you mad not being able to touch me.”
(Yeah- the ‘Uncut’ and ‘Warning’ stickers on the box sets are there for a reason, some scenes are not all that easy to watch).

Fortunately the show isn’t without its humour; ‘Bad Girls’ would be nothing without its sharp one-liners and sarcastic remarks which come from inmates and officers alike. Sylvia Hollamby (“Bodybag”) is the cynic in the officer’s mess- the epitome of the “never listened, never learned” officer who doesn’t like change and would be happy if all inmates were locked up 24/7. Her character is tough and resolved, completely old school; but completely enjoyable to watch- She cannot go un-mentioned.

Hollamby– “Well excuse me! Well I think it’s us women officers should be complaining about urine tests, it’s alright for the men’s prisons, they’re always showing themselves to each other but I don’t want to watch women going to the toilet.”

Hollamby– “There’s about as much chance of Zandra Plackett coming off the nasty as there is of Cliff Richard inviting me up to his hotel room for cream cakes and sex.”

‘Bad Girls’ is not primarily a lesbian based show, but the show is not without its lesbian, bi-sexual or just plain confused characters. To date, ‘Bad Girls’ has portrayed six major lesbian relationships throughout series 1-6, and, rather disappointingly, only one major relationship of a bi-sexual nature. It seems clear that ‘Bad Girls’ , like many other dramas, has made some steps towards greater visibility for lesbians on prime-time television but like the others, seems to forget about the bi-sexual women out there that also need to be represented.
Still, the utter matter-of-factness of the lesbian content is refreshing but not surprising given that ‘Bad Girls’ is conceived, written, and produced entirely by a gay/lesbian team (Shed Productions’ Maureen Chadwick, Ann McManus, Eileen Gallagher, and Brian Park).

Season 1 of the show deals with the issue of sexuality within the confines of prison life, and does it pretty well too. The major storyline between Simone Lahbib, who plays the idealistic and fast-tracked wing governor Helen Stewart, and Mandana Jones who plays the hard-headed but intelligent lesbian Nikki Wade is a perfect example of a genuinely written and sensitive portrait of a straight wing governor who falls in love with a lesbian prisoner.

This storyline, which is followed up in later series, is there from the word go. From episode one of the first season, when Helen as a new wing governor takes a tough stance on the inmates and is met in opposition by Nikki Wade, there is chemistry in abundance. Their friendship is cemented when Helen Stewart seeks to make an ally of Nikki but ends up depending on her a lot more than she would initially like too.

Nikki: Don’t let the buggers get you down!
(Helen walks into cell, closes the door behind her and sits down next to Nikki on her bed)
Helen: What you reading?
Nikki: ‘Little Dorritt’, it’s a story about a terrible prison.
Helen: Thank goodness we got rid of all of those! (sarcastic)
Nikki: You’re doing your bit Helen, most of the girls in here know that deep down.
Helen: (In tears) Yeah? But for how much longer?
Nikki: Hey, come here! (puts her arm around Helen)

Helen who sees herself as completely straight and is indeed engaged (to a rather geeky looking gardener) begins to realize that she has feelings towards this woman, who importantly is a prisoner in her very care!! Obviously thinking that denial is the best way to go, Helen tries very hard and un-successfully I must add, to concentrate on her in-sanely boring gardener boyfriend instead.
Helen: Nikki, I think she needs some time on her own.
Nikki: What, in here? She’ll be lucky.Helen: I think I do as well.
Nikki: You’ve got Sean to go home to.
Helen: Yeah…G’night Nikki.
Nikki: Night Helen.
Their relationship is not only well portrayed and well explored but it manages to combine issues of sexuality with issues of morality. The very thought of a relationship with Nikki Wade goes against every rule that Helen has followed and must follow. For such an idealistic woman to have feelings for an inmate, no less a female inmate, it’s no surprise that she is left feeling confused and dejected. The on-screen chemistry between these actresses is wonderful to watch, and the power battles in the early episodes are not only true to character but are portrayed with real intensity and sincerity. And, man, can Nikki give some cheek:

Helen: I’m not having this Nikki, you’re not going to undermine the good order of this wing.
Nikki: So transfer me, put me on report, I don’t give a shit!
Helen: When are you going to grow up and stop all this macho crap? Why did you attack Michelle Dockley?
Nikki: I dunno, touch of PMT. (Nikki stands up to leave the room)
Helen: SIT IN THAT CHAIR!
Nikki: (Sitting down) Don’t you wish it was electric?
Helen and Nikki’s relationship leaves us in “cliff-hang” mode in the final episode of season 1 when Sean makes it perfectly clear how he feels about Helen (you’ll see what I mean). Needless to say, this is one relationship you don’t want to miss -It will make you fall in love with the characters, it will leave you frustrated, it may even make you cry; but it will make you smile.
Fenner: Morning ma’am.
Helen: Please Jim, I’m not the bloody queen.
There are other lesbian/bi-sexual storylines in season 1 of ‘Bad Girls’, the only one worth mentioning though is the rather strange and un-explained entanglements of Shell Dockley and Denny Blood. Shell Dockley, who likes to set fire to people’s hair and just generally be a psycho, is neither straight nor gay. In fact, her sexuality is never really explained and even though we see her involved with men and never make any declarations of bi-sexuality, we see her sexually involved with her side-kick, Denny Blood. Again, it seems that writers perhaps find it easier to write the lesbian storyline more than the bi-sexual one, for their relationship is never fully explored or even understood. Shell Dockley is the kind of character that will use sex to influence people, in fact, sex is all she’s ever known and perhaps that can go a long way to explain her relationship with someone who is technically just her best friend, her side-kick.
(They kiss) Shell: Enjoy that did you? Crystaaal?
Crystal: Will you two be so hot for each other when you’re burning in hell? I’ll ask God to forgive you.
Shell: Bollocks! In here, I’m God, remember it!
We will Shell, we will.

Published 2005 – Afterellen.com

Helpless we face mis-conceptions,
with no ground beneath us.
The pain of life dulls,
as you regard it as normality.
The happiness you once felt,
is crushed by dreams un-found.
Any good in you, a distant memory,
a memory of what was once innocence.
There’s little point fighting it;
this world.

The moment you begin to believe it may not be so bad,
and that justice and truth prevail;
is the moment you let it in to crush you,
shatter any ideals or hope you may have had.
It rips away your morals, your sanity,
replaced with a glossy under-coat,
and a new outlook on life.
Not a moral one, a truthful one,
Not one that believes in anything worthwhile,
or anything just.
Just one that promotes ruthless survival.
Survival of the weakest,
the weakest soul.

It goes much deeper than this, this pain,
but what’s buried inside,
my arms bear witness too on the surface.
I have no rational reason for this blatant
self destruction and I have no clear
solution to this pain.
My disillusionment with this world only forces
this habit into being;
this loneliness only allows me to subject myself
to this kind of torture.
The real torture however does not come
from the short self inflicted stabs at my flesh,
but can only come from the mind.
I see no way out of this;
even if I did these memories cannot
be forgotten and these psychological scars can
never heal like the ones I bring upon myself.
The issue isn’t the scars you can see,
because those are only small signs of what is inside;
and those cannot be shifted for anything.

Silence captures all there is to say,
yet these words seep from me;
sucking at this pain, soaking it, running through it.
Pulling these memories out teeth first,
grabbing,
back bitting,
gut wrenching,
all consuming.

The eyes the drowning pool of all that is lost,
still all that is held close,
encapsulating the truth in a split second.
Yet it must be all that is external;
all that is buried,
all that is pushed, forced, raped into silence.
Something that becomes something outside of ones self.
Something that is so deep that it no longer remains.

I blame you.