From ape to er, ape

I got a message today on facebook from an old school friend. He was a senior at my school, a rather large kind of guy that was quite popular with everyone thanks to his cheeky sense of humour and (slight) charm. We got the same bus home from school every evening and it was on one of these days that we shared a shy awkward, very innocent type kiss. There was no spark there, it was just one of those things that you did at fifteen and I got ribbed for it for several weeks after. I hadn’t spoken to him in several years, until today. Our conversation went like this:

Jason: Hey stranger – seems ages since our snog down by the chapel!! How are things going? What you up to these days?

Me: I know, such a long time ago. Things are going good thanks. I’ve been living in Edinburgh for the past four years and have just left Uni where I was studying ‘Applied Psychology’. Currently I am working freelance, writing for various magazines and office temping till I sort myself out and eventually move back to Ireland – with the girlfriend in tow. What have you been doing with yourself? Good to hear from you stranger.

Jason: You with a girlfriend!? Hope that wasn’t anything to do with me kissing you?! Any pictures? x

(Oh my God. Why do straight men always have to say that?! It’s almost as if its been built into them as an automatic response to someone proclaiming their lesbianism)

Me: Yeah I’ve been with her for over six years now. Uh no, my sexuality didn’t come about because of one random kiss like ten years ago, funnily. “Any pictures?” That’s a bit sleazy isn’t it?

Jason: I am male afterall.

(‘I have a penis therefore I am a prick’?!)

Me: Thankfully not every man is a complete sleaze. Thankfully we (mostly) live in a society that respects lesbian relationships for what they are and not for the ultimate male fantasy. Do I want to see pictures of you and your girlfriend? – No, why would I?! Why would you want to see pictures just because I happen to love someone of the same sex? Have some fucking respect, please.

Jason: Hey was only messin. Chill out love.

(Firstly I fucking hate it when people drop letters in words just to save time on the keyboard. Secondly, don’t call me love, moron).

Me: You weren’t only messing Jason and it’s the attitude. That kind of attitude belongs with narrow-minded nethanderal men. Congratulations you passed, now fuck off.

Was I too harsh? I don’t think so. I couldn’t tell you the amount of times that I have come across this kind of attitude among straight men. It’s always their first response. ‘Do you have pictures?’, ‘Threesome?’, or my personal asshole best – “Lesbians don’t have real sex. You need a penis for that”. I’m so sick of hearing that shit. Why is it that gay men are taken seriously and lesbians aren’t? What is it about our society that has taught our straight men to think that two women being together is hot? In fact no, more than that – what is it that has taught them to believe that two women being together is less about connection and love and more about trying to turn men on or trying to tease them? Do I need to have a penis to be taken seriously?!

Personally I believe that the majority of straight men don’t understand the word lesbian. They don’t understand that the world does not revolve around their, or for that matter, any other mans dick. They have nurtured, idolised and indeed stroked their (tiny) little weiner from an early age and truly believe that it is the best thing ever. They clearly can’t grasp that some women do not need a penis to be sexually fulfilled. Gay men on the scene are generally the same, its all about cock and sex (even if there is more emotional depth there). Perhaps that’s why gay men are stereotypically seen as more promiscuous, while the lesbian is generally seen as the settling down type. We all know the lesbian jokes about moving in on the third date right? The lesbian seems to be more interested in the woman as a person, even if it is a purely physical affair. I’ve yet to hear a woman, straight or gay, to go on and on about how wonderful their pussy is. If I had a few years to research, perhaps I would have an answer as to why women and men are so vastly different in terms of sexuality.

“Penis: A body organ used for urination, sexual pleasure, and for making important life decisions.” – Randy L. Pendleton.

Jason Ward you have been named and shamed. One more thing; you’re an idiot.

 

Five things to do with a ballot paper

You could vote.

Presidental elections are looming and while I may not be able to vote from over here in the U.K, I’m taking the responsibility that every person should – I”m doing my research. I’m asking questions and I’m taking an interest in these candidates; one of whom will be the leader of the worlds’ greatest super-power. [ I use the word "greatest" loosely]. From Clinton’s [thats Bill - not his Mrs] policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, to Bush’s call of the amendment that banned Gay marriage all together; America hasn’t had a very good run of gay supporters in the white house.

As I trolled the ‘net this morning, visiting all my favourite lesbian haunts, I was shocked to see dozens of strong lesbian and gay sites displaying banners of support for none other than, white wash – appeal to the masses – Hillary Clinton. Okay okay, credit where credit is due – the woman has balls. Her husband lied through his teeth during his presidency, smoked but didn’t inhale, sexed but didn’t sexualise and then got himself impeached. The woman has guts but surely the only reason she is putting herself through all of this is so she can get into power – hardly the most selfless objective.

Hillary Clinton; the woman who during husband’s presidency supported the Defence of Marriage Act, a law preventing the federal recognition of same – sex marriage. So you can see why I’m a little confused as to why so many gay guys and gals are flaunting their support for her all the shop. Of course now she’s realised that she also needs to appease the lesbian and gay community by showing some support for them, even if that is by simply supporting the union of two homosexual people. She walks the tight-rope of inclusion for inclusions sake, and prays to her bible perfect God that she will have done enough to prove to the public that she is very different than her shit-head husband. Surely there are better candidates? – Those that actually give a toss about gay or indeed, equal rights for all despite their sexual orientation..?

Well let’s see. We have Barack Obama, a young energetic liberal who sponsored legislation in Illinois that would ban discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Well that’s great and I commend him, but that law probably should have been passed years ago anyway. But yeah, decent guy who has a few good things to say about the health service and education but erm yeah then his says this -

“I’m a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.”And this; “Giving them a set of basic rights would allow them to experience their relationship and live their lives in a way that doesn’t cause discrimination”.

Oh fuck off – really?! Are you serious?

Heh they weren’t lying when they said that politics was ‘dog eat dog’ – Give the socially outcast dog a bone just so he will stop hounding you, jumping up on your clean trousers and mudding them all up. Give him a bone so he will get out of your face, thank you graciously for your fairness and go play with his tail. Basic rights? – oh you are too kind.

Honestly; it really doesn’t matter who you vote for. War is Peace. Peace is War. Liberal is Democrat – it’s all the same. Whoever wins the election, and I have a feeling that it will be Hillary; they will merely be a puppet to the world bankers and major corporations that control everything. In fact, instead of voting next year why not try out some of my alternative suggestions on what to do with your ballot paper.

1) Save a toilet roll to use. Cut your ballot paper accordingly. Use the roll and paper to create a ramp, lean it over a small bucket or empty can and heh presto – a rat trap – perfect for vermin. If it had a logo, it would read “Don’t vote it – catch it”. Nice.

2) Steal your entire families ballot papers, scrunching up a few and rolling the others like stands – thus creating excellent fake awards to give out because you really feel that ‘Blood Diamond’ should have won a ‘freakin award at the Oscars this year.

3) Make paper planes!

4) Draft a letter to your newly sworn in President explaining your dismay at them being voted in – even though you never bothered to vote.

 

Your suggestions are welcome. Good luck Hillary. *cough*.

 

 

The spacegirl and her two moms

The spacegirl with two mothers, the prince who shuns three beautiful princesses, falling in love with another man and the baby penguin with two dads – some of the new characters being introduced into children’s books at schools here in the U.K.

This is a good thing right? Gone are the days of the regimented old-fashioned stereotypical family of father, mother and 2.5 children – a family blueprint that in this day and age rarely fits anyone. A few years back we had the implementation of stories that served to tell the “other” story – the story of the “broken home”, the seperated parents and the step brothers and sisters. This of course, could only be viewed as a positive thing. It raised awareness and opened peoples’ eyes to the stigma attached to “alternative families”. It had made those kids who had felt different feel normal again, accepted, and had given children another ‘blueprint’ so that they may define their lifes. These new ‘gay’ stories seek to do exactly the same thing.

Children need to be free to define who they are, both as individuals and as part of a family unit. How can little Tom who lives with his two daddies define who he is as a person and understand his family unit when there are no stories for him. Isn’t his story worth telling? Doesn’t he deserve to feel as much a part of this society as the boy with the traditional family sitting next to him?!

Apparently not everyone thinks so. To some, little Tom’s story is nothing more than gay propaganda – liberal bullshit that is destroying the very foundation of the traditional family. Oh no !! Could it be true?! While we seek to tell every child’s story and hope that every kid grows up realising that he or she can do anything it wants, be anything it wants and still be accepted and loved regardless – while we do this – could we possibly be breaking down the fabric of the traditional family?! Oh please; your “fabric” was in tatters way before we got there.

Public opinion seems to fall into two distinct camps on this one. There are those who realise that these stories are being put in place in schools so that we can try rid our schools of discrimination. “For children brought up with gay family members this will be tremendously beneficial. There still exists a stigma against homosexuality in schools, and anything that can be done to redress this should be encouraged”. (‘The Sun’ Discussion board). There are also those whose comments only come from ignorance and fear, “It promotes abnormality. With the P.C brigade minority trying to dismantle national institutions such as mothers/fathers day they are now trying to impose their un-natural teaching on the majority -the majority needs to stand up for itself & say enough is enough, and raise its voice to be heard over the bleatings of these limp wristed liberal weirdo’s”. Bleat.

Some even go on to suggest that this “homosexual liberal nonsense” will make all our children gay and that there will be no-one left to carry on the blood-line and breed! Hah! Excuse me while I choke on my pasta in between fits of giggles. Geez. I’m not even going to bother aruging that one… except to say, ‘go home. you stupid’.

Every child deserves to have a “blueprint”. Every child deserves to fit in, to be heard, to be understood.

Every child deserves a story.

 

“I believe in America; I believe it exists”

Stephen Colbert, emmy winning comedian, satirist and writer has officially got balls. Not only balls, but balls of steel. Picture this; on your show “The Colbert report” you play a “well intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot”, a parody of pundit show hosts found on American cable television news, a sychophantic republican. It’s the event of the year, a journalists wet dream, “anybody who is anybody was there.. oh and the president” (Colbert). You are the guest speaker and the president is sitting five feet away from you, what do you do? Rip the satirical piss out of the Bush administration, the white house press corp. and generally, the complacently voting ‘blind’ Bush supporters.

Met with a ‘oh my god, is he really saying that’ luke-warm reaction, Colbert pokes fun at Bush, “I’m a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists”.Mocking bible-belt Christians all over America and of course, Bush himself, “And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior”.

“Most of all, I believe in this president. Now, I know there are some polls out there saying that this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in “reality.” And reality has a well-known liberal bias”. That one speaks for itself.
I sat in a state of shock; wondering how long it would be before the CIA/FBI/enter Bush controlled organisation here, rig up some equipment on the other side of the room and take him out!! I hesitate to say that was a joke, stranger things have happened. This man will go down in internet history (1 million video downloads within hours) as a hero, a legend.. an extremely funny man who told Bush just what the public – the ones that haven’t been ‘asleep’ for the last four years – were really thinking of him.

Google video have it up at the moment – the link for it is below. It’s about 24 minutes long but it’s worth it.

Oh and as a side note, I really hope that as more and more Americans begin to question this “War on terror” that they also start questioning their government and start thinking more carefully about who they choose to follow blindly.

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-869183917758574879